I really don't like children...
Not mine, I love mine. And chances are, if you're reading this, I love yours too.
As I was tucking the girls into bed tonight, Abby told me that Kaity licked the floor because the girls on the bus told her to. I send her to school hoping she will be safe and cared for and the kids are pushing her around. She's such a sweetheart and they are taking advantage of her. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm failing her, like I'm not teaching her how to love and respect herself. Why didn't she say NO? How dare those little girls!! This is not the first time Kaitlyn has been pressured to do something. What am I doing wrong?
I really "hate" motherhood, sometimes. I wallow around in my own personal pity party and self loathe wondering what kind of mess I've gotten myself into, while dipping my hands into a box of chocolates trying to ignore the nearly constant whining between Maddy and Daisy, hoping that with just enough dark chocolate I can drown them out. It doesn't work and I'm going crazy. Days are difficult and stressful and all I want to do is runaway, or hide in the bathroom for a minute or 10. But I don't, obviously runaway. I like to think that with chocolate and a deep breathe I can get through anything, but I don't. I try, though. Apparently, I'm not trying hard enough. Things like this happen and it brings me even deeper down.
I feel like I spend more time being a drill sergeant than a mother. I yell and yell and yell. And then I yell some more.
Every night, I go to bed, regretting many things I've done during the day. Wondering what I could have done differently and pray that tomorrow will be better. Tonight, I'm looking back on the past 7 years, wondering what I've taught them. They are all good kids. I'm always approached by teachers at school and church and the people who get stuck in the pew behind us who do nothing but compliment us on how well behaved they are. So I must be doing something right, but why is Kaitlyn letting people walk all over her? I may be doing something right, but I'm also doing something so wrong. How do I teach a child to love and respect themselves and know that it's ok to say no. I thought I've made that clear, but obviously I haven't.
I've been contemplating home schooling and as hard as it would be, I'm beginning to think, for Kaitlyn, that might just be what's best.
So tonight, instead of worrying about the wrongs I've done today, I'll cry in prayer about the ones I've made for the past 7 years.
Now, Where's my chocolate...I've got another party to attend. Party of one, over here, care to join me?
Change
6 years ago
2 comments:
Oh Kelly, this one made me cry. You and Emily. You two are such good writers and you put into words such difficult feelings that I so relate to.
I read the part about Kaity and the bus to Davey (you know, my resident therapist and insight-giver) and his immediate response, "You can't go blaming yourself for stuff like that."
I heartily agree, my dear mother warrior.
And if you do decide to home school keep me updated, I'll send you a homeschooling care package and my favorite websites.
Much love, Rachel
Kelly, i am right there with Rachel. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Okay, so not exactly, but i feel like you're singing my song. Especially the part about lying in bed at night and just wishing you could do things over. Every stinking day. I'm sure your girls do know how to love themselves and respect themselves. Maybe Kaity wanted to lick the floor of the bus (???) Like, to be funny or ??? Did you ask her about why she did it? And where the freak is the bus supervisor person? You are surmounting incredible challenges and your daughters are LUCKY to have such a smart, hard-working, funny, kind, never-give-up kind of mom like you. Love you. Hugs.
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